We’ve all heard the expression “communication is key”. I believe this to be true. In my opinion, effective communication is absolutely foundational to every relationship in your life, whether it’s in business, at work, or in your family. Today I’m going to focus on communication with family.
Family members are the people we take the most for granted. We may say things to them we wouldn’t say to other people and vice versa. In your interactions with family members you’ve likely experienced and practiced both good and poor communication skills…
Good communication allows us to feel safe and respected, while poor communication contributes to misunderstandings, stress and frustration. This of course has an impact on the relationship in question. When there’s ongoing poor communication people tend to shut down and close themselves off.
Let us consider some areas where we all can improve our communication skills and thus enhance our relationships.
1. Tone of voice: Ever heard the saying: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it? Your tone of voice can either make someone feel safe or cause fear and stress. I know it’s not easy to remain calm when we feel threatened by someone’s words or actions. But stop and count to ten. Matter of fact, take a few deep breaths before you respond. Then check yourself and if you find you’re still very upset, say something like: “I’m feeling very upset right now. I’m going to leave the room. I’ll respond when I get back”.
2. Body language: Studies suggest that 93% of our communication is non-verbal. Pay attention to what your body is saying… What kind of message are you sending with your eyes? Are you shooting daggers at the other person? Are you sitting back tense and unsmiling with your arms crossed?
Did you realize this posture conveys a message that I’m not open to you and I’m not listening? If that’s not the message you wish to convey, change your posture to reflect more openness.
3. Use an I statement: Most of us point a finger and say things like: “You make me mad…” It’s a slippery slope once we’ve accused another person of causing our upset, frustration or anger. I’ve experienced this personally and usually once it gets to this point the argument is likely going to escalate into a bigger fight.
If you’re tired of having your conversations turn into a fight try something different for a change. Use an “I Statement”. One that reflects the feelings you want to express and the action you want from the other person. Example “I feel upset when you shout at me. In future I would like you to speak to me in a calm voice.”
I’m not suggesting that any of this is easy especially if you’ve been using your tone of voice, body language and You statements to react to family members your whole life. But here’s the truth. It was Einstein who said: “Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly expecting a different result.” If you’re tired of ongoing battles with family that end in a stand-off or shut-down, try something new.
You may need to practice in the mirror or with a chair or whatever before the words will roll off your tongue. It’s important to retrain your brain if you’re going to communicate differently. If you do, you may be surprised how you decrease your stress levels, change your interactions and create more openness and respect with your family members.